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Caregivers frequently tell me about the complex emotional strain they feel as they care for an aging, sick, or disabled loved one. I can relate because I know how emotionally difficult caregiving can be. I felt perpetually conflicted about the caregiving role that had been thrust upon my wife and me when her mother was diagnosed with cancer. We spent over five years caring for her mother until her eventual death, and that period represents the greatest emotional roller coaster of my life.
At the time, I didn’t understand how emotionally fraught my days actually were. It was only after my season of caregiving was over that I learned I had experienced symptoms of clinical depression in my struggle to fulfill the care-related demands that had been placed upon my family. My wife and I did the best we could, but it often felt like our best was never enough.
What Caregivers Say About Their Emotions
As I deliver workshops to family caregivers today, I invite them to share their thoughts and feelings about caregiving. Rarely do caregivers gush about how grateful they are to have this experience. It’s more common for me to see raw emotion, long suppressed, bubbling up to the surface. When caregivers recognize an opportunity to speak the unvarnished truth, I hear comments like these:
- “I feel such resentment.”
- “I’m not a bad person, but caregiving makes me feel like I am.”
- “Sometimes I get so frustrated.”
- “I’m exhausted, physically and emotionally.”
- “I don’t know how much longer I can do this.”
- “I feel guilty.”
The honesty in such comments allows others in the room to discover that they’re not alone. You’re not a bad person if caregiving is testing your emotional limits. You’re simply human.
After listening to a series of statements like those above, usually someone in the room wants to say something about the flip side of family caregiving. Here are a few of the positive emotional effects of caregiving that have been expressed to me:
- “Our love grew because of her illness.”
- “I’m proud to be there in his time of need.”
- “I feel more compassion for other people now.”
- “I’m at peace.”
I’m writing this post because I want you to know that whatever you’re feeling about being a caregiver, it’s okay. It’s understandable. Even if your emotions are negative, please know that family caregiving tests your emotional capacity in ways that you probably never experienced before.
How to Assess the Emotional Impact of Caregiving
While I was writing When Caregiving Calls: Guidance as You Care for a Parent, Spouse, or Aging Relative, I decided to include a chapter on emotions. As I reflected upon the complex emotions confronted by caregivers, I got an idea to conduct an online search for the term “list of emotions.” I discovered that licensed mental health practitioners use lists of emotions to help their clients understand and process their feelings about their lives, so I thought it would be a great idea to include a list of emotions in my book.
I searched further and found a list of emotions on a prominent psychology website. I requested permission to incorporate their list, with proper attribution, into my book. To my surprise, they refused! I therefore decided to create my own list of emotions which was better than theirs.
I am pleased to share that list of emotions with you, free of charge, through the downloadable “List of Emotions” worksheet right here on the Caregiving Kinetics website. The list of emotions is a tool to help you assess the emotional impact of caregiving in your life.
The idea is simple. Take a few moments to quietly review all the emotions on the worksheet, circling the ten emotions that most accurately describe how you feel about your family caregiving role. Please try not to filter your response to this exercise; it’s important to be honest for the activity to be most beneficial.
After you’re finished, look over the ten emotions that describe how you’re feeling about caregiving. Do you see a lot of negative or anxious emotions? If so, it is probably a sign that caregiving is taking an emotional toll on you. You could be experiencing symptoms of caregiver burnout.
What to Do If Caregiving is Taking an Emotional Toll
If you’re concerned about caregiver burnout and your emotional health, it’s critical that you take steps toward improved wellness. I would encourage you to bring your completed emotions worksheet to a licensed mental health practitioner to start a discussion about how you are feeling. Professional support can be indispensable for struggling family caregivers.
In addition, I’d invite you to seek out a caregiver support group online or in your local community. There you will find others who are facing similar challenges. You’ll discover that there are good people who you can learn from and lean on, which will help you summon the strength you need to continue to care for your loved one.
Seeking help from a therapist or a caregiver support group are both much better options than trying to go it alone. The emotional intensity of family caregiving warrants a little bit of help, even if you’re someone who likes to be independent. I know this now. I wish I had known it when I was in the throes of my own family caregiving experience.
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If you’d like to invite Dr. Blight to join your group in a workshop that incorporates the Emotions Worksheet, please contact us.
Posted in Caregiving
